tiistai 14. lokakuuta 2014

Despair



I got everything, I got nothing
I wanted a green moss on my floor,
my rooms covered as forests
I got everything, I got nothing
And I want it all

I want to sleep in your room,
watch the roof from your couch
Feel it´s fluff against my toes
Hear you tiptoe in to the bath
while I pretend to sleep

I want to hear you, I want to listen
I want to feel your breath on me
I want you to think that I´m asleep
Look at me, touch me

Let´s wake up without feeling numb,
don´t want to feel dumb
because of wanting it all
I want to be real
I want to feel your need

I got everything, I got nothing
I wanted to paint my life
but I got nothing
A pale canvas painted with frost
I got a feeling I am so lost
I want to feel

Let´s pretend once more
Let´s forget the dance floor
I want to hear you whisper
I want to touch your warmth
What if I want to open your door?

Don´t close it in front of me,
don´t take it all back from me
Here I sleep,
hear me breathe
Come and sit close to me
Kiss my eyes open and free

I want it all
though I have everything
and I feel nothing
I wanted moss on my floor
but I found myself begging


3 kommenttia:

  1. "Kukat ja veri / Letter by accident"

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4JJNypZUOQ
    (Leonard Cohen - Slow)

    This is your day, so here is a song for you. I really made it for E., but it's too bitter towards the end.
    It kinda fits the outline of the elusive rogue you've painted a picture of in these songs; I wonder who he really is (since it's not me, as I originally thought in my delusions)?

    Tell our sweet beloved E. there'll be no letter. I'm too busy baking nowadays (training to be a baker), and anything will fade with time, even though a glimmer always remains. My feelings are more remote than may seem from the song. Make no mistake, though; one coy eyeful would draw me straight back in and pull me under. She has a power over me that I can't explain, and I still cannot help trying. I'm in luck that she's stayed silent, no matter her reasons.

    I wonder how much of a romantic you might be. Your songs inhabit a dark and special place; a tropic of foreboding fit only for fellow vampires. I'm reminded of a line that I caught from somewhere -- 'lost in the gloom of her pleasures' -- or was it the other way around? And your own line, 'aching love of letting go', could be the egress to the story of my life. The headline? 'Waiting for a Miracle to Come' (yes, I know it's a Leonard Cohen song).

    If only you looked more like E. I have a feeling you like being chased. Oh well.
    Here's the song (with appropriate accompaniment):


    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txBfhpm1jI0
    (The Pretty Reckless -- Make Me Wanna Die)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bdf_xhnv8mQ
    (The Pretty Reckless -- Cold Blooded)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHBxJCq99jA
    (The Pretty Reckless - Heaven Knows)
    (This one more because it's a phenomenal song, but it still kind of fits.)


    "Darkness Unbound / Song With Two Minds / Mercy of Love"

    when i am with you alone in the dark
    feel like i'm soarin' though i fall apart
    all of the arrows go wide of the mark
    my loving angel, come heal my heart

    i asked for so little and i lost so much
    the lips of my dream are now cold to the touch
    i'd live in the past if the rent weren't so high
    i's good for a laugh, you're good for a cry

    you're flush with sun on the rocks of La Mar
    i'm just a wish now while you're a star
    please draw a flame to the cold that i crave
    speak to me now like a wind to a wave

    i'm more and more screwed with every twist
    if i'll stop pretending, i'll cease to exist
    i guess that the matter is what time allows
    yet truth is not welcome in any house

    i never believed that the roses were barred
    what's morning's to flaunt is evening's to guard
    i used to be small for you; now i'm too large
    i guess i'm guilty no matter the charge

    you're too far away now, and yet i'm too near
    all things look ok in the dark, my dear
    i'll never love you for better and worse;
    curse me to hell if love is a curse

    the moon's hit the road 'n my heart's beat me up
    i'd start to kiss you but you'd never stop
    your tend'rest touch is the seal of my doom
    i'd run away but the world's in your room

    you say you've waited; well what'cha wait for?
    you were the handle on life's very door
    now that you're closed and i'm in my Fall
    what do you say if we burn it all?
    what do you say if we burn it all?

    OR [last verse alternates between performances]

    i came as a thief to your great alarm
    but love has no mercy; it cannot be charmed
    there's no more cake left in McArthur's Park
    so i go now like a shade in the dark
    meltin' away like a shade in the dark


    In my mind it's the apex of the 'constructed' song; the highest that the tinkerer in me is capable of.
    There are flashes of brilliance within it, all marred by a petty bitterness; hence 'song with two minds'.

    (continued; sorry for the novella. You know me. :p)

    VastaaPoista
  2. Ahem. Until we meet again. In two years' time I'll be a baker; maybe you'll hear from me then. Maybe not.
    Without E. to run after, I don't know what to chase. I've yet to catch my bearings. If I find something, or someone (rather not), I might run so far and fast that you'll be mere memories to me, not to be disturbed for fear of breaking old spells. It's not too likely a danger, though -- the thing about E. always was that she's better than magic, better than my wildest dreams. I could never explain it, and that's why I had to keep trying, my heart and brains be damned (and hers as well, which should've given me pause long before it actually did).

    Anyway, life is always sweet, if bitter too at times, and trouble's just another name for adventure.
    And despite my bad words about her, love is the greatest & why we're here, & always enough, even if she takes everything from us, never showing her face. Perhaps I was a black-heart in a past life, and am now paying for it. In the next life I will catch you, E., and that is a promise. :)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_ytDW4zJvk
    (First Aid Kit - Stay Gold)
    (These songs ring with the things I love in you, E. I do love things *about* you, even if I can't claim the whole package.
    'Our love is a setting sun' -- how can that set which never rose? Love alone knows, and she's keeping her secrets.)

    ... I can't leave without quoting you this; take it from Knut Hamsun (he's the best writer, high master of all time):

    "Niin, mitä oli rakkaus? Tuuli, joka suhisee ruusuissa, ei, keltainen
    virvatuli veressä. Rakkaus oli helvetinkuuma musiikki, joka sai
    vanhustenkin sydämet tanssimaan. Se oli kuin saunio, joka aukenee
    seinämälle yön tullessa, ja se oli kuin vuokko,
    joka sulkeutuu henkäyksen käydessä ja kuolee kosketuksesta.
    Sellainen oli rakkaus.
    Se saattoi tehdä miehestä raunion, nostaa hänet ja merkitä hänet
    poltinraudalla jälleen; se saattoi rakastaa minua tänään, sinua
    huomenna ja häntä seuraavana yönä, niin häilyväinen se oli. Mutta se
    saattoi myöskin pitää kiinni kuin murtumaton sinetti ja loimuta yhä
    sammumattomana kuoleman hetkeen asti, sillä niin ikuinen se oli.
    Millaista siis oli rakkaus?
    Oi, rakkaus on suviyö, jolloin taivas on tähdissä ja maa tuoksuu.
    Mutta minkätähden joutuu nuorukainen käymään salaisia teitä, ja
    minkätähden joutuu vanhus seisomaan varpaisillaan yksinäisessä
    huoneessaan. Ah, rakkaus tekee ihmissydämestä sienitarhan, rehevän ja
    häpeämättömän tarhan, jossa kasvaa salaperäisiä ja julkeita sieniä.
    Eikö se saa munkkia hiipimään suljettuihin yrttitarhoihin ja
    kurkistamaan nukkuvien ikkunoista yöllä? Eikö se päihdytä nunnaa
    hulluudella ja pimennä prinsessan ymmärrystä? Se lyö kuninkaan pään
    maahan, niin että hänen hiuksensa lakaisevat kaikkea tien tomua, ja
    samalla hän kuiskii ujostelemattomia sanoja itsekseen, hymyilee ja
    ojentaa kielensä suusta.
    Sellaista oli rakkaus.
    Ei, ei, se oli jälleen aivan toisenlaista, eikä se ollut minkään muun
    asian kaltaista koko maailmassa. Se tuli kesäyönä maahan, jolloin
    nuorukainen näki edessään kaksi silmää, kaksi silmää. Hän tuijotti ja
    katsoi. Hän suuteli suuta, ja silloin tuntui, kuin kaksi valoa olisi
    kohdannut toisensa hänen sydämessään, aurinko salamoinut tähteä
    vastaan. Hän vaipui syliin, silloin hän ei kuullut eikä nähnyt enää
    mitään muuta koko
    maailmassa.
    Rakkaus on Jumalan ensimmäinen sana, ensimmäinen ajatus, joka
    purjehti kautta hänen aivojensa. Kun hän sanoi: Tulkoon valo! syntyi
    rakkaus. Ja kaikki, mitä hän oli luonut, oli sangen hyvää, eikä hän
    tahtonut saada mitään tekemämättömäksi jälleen. Rakkaudesta tuli
    maailman alku ja maailman valtias; mutta kaikki sen tiet ovat täynnä
    kukkia ja verta, kukkia ja verta."

    - Knut Hamsun, 'Viktoria'

    VastaaPoista
  3. ... And finally some Turkish poems (fit for any occasion):

    "Leipää ja tähtiä"

    Leipä on polvillani.
    Tähdet ovat kaukana.
    Syön leipää ja katselen tähtiä.
    Ette usko kuinka hajamielinen olen.
    Välillä hairahdun, enkä syökään leipää,
    vaan tähtiä.
    -- Oktay Rifat

    Kaunein meri:
    se jota emme ole vielä purjehtineet...
    Lapsista kaunein:
    se joka ei ole vielä kasvanut aikuiseksi.
    Päivistä kaunein:
    sitä emme ole vielä nähneet.
    Ja mitä tahtoisin sanoa sinulle kaikkein kauneinta:
    sitä en ole vielä sanonut...
    -- Nâzim Hikmet

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gPTwrFYzxY
    (Leonard Cohen - A Street)
    (It's a tad icy, but nothing can end without a Leonard Cohen song. Nothing should, at any rate.)

    Yours always,

    -v.

    VastaaPoista