tiistai 4. marraskuuta 2014

Down to the Desert

I got my heels and you´ve got your car
Let´s get out, I say; let´s get far
The sky is blue and my teeth are strong
Let´s get down to the desert rock
Let´s get down to the desert,
let´s be wrong

You stomped some roses to get some thorns
You asked me to blow and the hurt was gone
The valley´s wide and the sea is far
Let´s burn some sand and let´s find love
Let´s get down to the desert,
let´s get dumb

We have our rockets and some gasoline
You´ve waited so long to get free
The ditches burn and the road is long
Let´s get down to the desert ball
Let´s get down to the desert,
let´s get it all

They have their guns, drugs and taunts
They´ve waited us to get out for so long
The sky is red as my lips and your teeth
Let´s go and burn some rubber and heels
Let´s get down to the desert,
let´s get down to the desert

maanantai 3. marraskuuta 2014

The Moth

What does it look like
from the other side of the transparent box?
I bet we look like we´re liquid,
like we´d disappear as a water drop
But I realized something this morning:
that I couldn´t handle all this as I thought
I´ve felt so strong and insurmountable
but after all I´m still just a moth

It´s easy to be invisible
and easy to hold on tight
But to fly on a Sunday morning
isn´t as fly as on Friday night

You tried to offer some candy
though I´ve been raised too good for that
But all the amount you handed
almost turned a good girl into bad

What did we feel like
when you had the chance to mimic our lives?
I think we were too tangible,
too real to have a good bite
But I´m sure it´s going to be just fine,
all just dandy in time
We will disappear into the Sun
and reappear only by night time

You see it´s easy for me to get by
and I don´t even know why
I should´ve felt a lot more
- guess I´m too vacuous inside

Every day feels so much
and so little at the same time
I wonder it would be easier
to be a dragonfly

What did it sound like
through the glass and the purr?
Maybe it sounded like air,
like nothing was even heard
It´s good to find a nest or den
which ever suits you the best
Maybe it´s now or never and then
you are just like the rest

You remember
It´s easy to be invisible
and easy to hold on tight
But to fly on a Sunday morning
isn´t as fly as on Friday night

sunnuntai 26. lokakuuta 2014


I think you like the blue
just like i do

I think you like to play cold
just like to unfold
what I think of you

I´ve burnt my pink candles
and counted all my ravens
There was no special occasion
I was just thinking about that night

It looks like it´s snowing
white mist is landing
and it makes me ponder
should I keep on descending

O Jack keep on singing about the blindness
let me wrap myself in your sleep
Let the blue come on over you
and let it feed
Let it come into me
and capture all this perplexity and need
Let it feed from this body so cheap
and drink it self to black, replete

I´m dumb enough to feel numb
and I can´t cry when I think about you

There´s this need to burn all those candles
I´m on the red ones right now
Love is green and pain is sweet
and hands on my body feel discreet
even though I´m on the wrong side baby

It looks like it´s raining
and I love to watch those teardrops
Colours that make us free inside
I want to walk at night
Memories are made up
so they are made up right

O Jack keep on singing about the blindness
let me wrap myself in your sleep
Let the blue come on over you
and let it feed
Let it come into me
and capture all this perplexity and need
Let it feed from this body so cheap
and drink it self to black, replete

I´m sure it was snowing
when I found the one I love
Blue started to grow on us
as it started to look like god

It´s the matter of time,
place and pick up lines
And that if I left
I needed to leave right

I´m tired of feeling nothing
though it makes me strong inside
I think I can do anything
´cause I don´t feel alive
Sometimes it confuses me
´cause I don´t remember
which mask is mine
Maybe I have crossed the line
so I have nothing to lose than time

tiistai 14. lokakuuta 2014

Feeling Strong Never Felt So Hard

Well done, good job
You made her fall so hard
She broke her shoes, she broke her vows
She lost her strength in a doubt
at least feeling strong has never felt so hard


I got everything, I got nothing
I wanted a green moss on my floor,
my rooms covered as forests
I got everything, I got nothing
And I want it all

I want to sleep in your room,
watch the roof from your couch
Feel it´s fluff against my toes
Hear you tiptoe in to the bath
while I pretend to sleep

I want to hear you, I want to listen
I want to feel your breath on me
I want you to think that I´m asleep
Look at me, touch me

Let´s wake up without feeling numb,
don´t want to feel dumb
because of wanting it all
I want to be real
I want to feel your need

I got everything, I got nothing
I wanted to paint my life
but I got nothing
A pale canvas painted with frost
I got a feeling I am so lost
I want to feel

Let´s pretend once more
Let´s forget the dance floor
I want to hear you whisper
I want to touch your warmth
What if I want to open your door?

Don´t close it in front of me,
don´t take it all back from me
Here I sleep,
hear me breathe
Come and sit close to me
Kiss my eyes open and free

I want it all
though I have everything
and I feel nothing
I wanted moss on my floor
but I found myself begging

sunnuntai 5. lokakuuta 2014


I love the sound of the wind when it howls
When it grabs you close and takes you out
And when it leads and leaves you,
forcing the crispy air into your lungs
I love how it talks, how it whispers
and holds your mind down

sunnuntai 21. syyskuuta 2014

Bitter & sweet

Drink it up
drink your bubbly water, your coke
Listen to me,
listen to me hard and real close
I have a story that I can´t let go
but I need to pass it on
so I can move on with my other jokes

You know the feeling when you´re lost
You know you shouldn´t buy it
because you know how much it costs
But you want it so hard
without it you´re just lost
You think you want everything or nothing at all
But you forgot how much it hurts to fall

Maybe in time I learn to sing my lines
Maybe the time really heals everything alright
but what if there´s wounds too deep to mend
´Cause you cut them oneself with a rusty blade
There´s ways to get broke and broken
because it stings too hard just to bend

Drink it up
drink your salty tear drop liquor
drink your bitter wine
My story is about the time, lies and life
that if you want to build you need to grind
And as I said, I really didn´t mind
But maybe it´s the best to move on
to the next line
And maybe in the next life
there´s no need for cuts too deep
But the jokes are just as fine

Electric Shocks

It feels like electric shocks
in the middle of the chorus
through the mildly shaking body,
silent mouth gasping for air

What a wonderful feeling
to feel so faint and feeble,
under the force of a need,
in need of something more

And what does the feeling look like,
what does the need feel like
When all they can see is just one step,
one step to the wrong line

There might be sirens and supernovas
and crazy dances, mystic nights
Devastatingly beautiful city lights
Loving how the arms can hold on so tight

Never give up, never give in,
never lose your faith in love and living
Falling in autumn, growing under the sun
Never lose your faith in having fun

What if they´re lost in it,
what if they lost it,
what has been the cost of
an electric shock?

There needs to be patience,
there needs to be poems
aching love of letting go
Thirst for getting some more

Find your highway
and hide your name
Listening to Remember Me
Nothing is the same

sunnuntai 7. syyskuuta 2014

You Drove All Night

You say you can´t drive fast enough
so let´s read each other's minds
Close your eyes and ask me to close mine
Leave everything else behind
I see you walking like Eastwood
Wonder if I could get closer to you
But you have nothing for me, don´t you?

Somebody could say we´re keeping a secret
but what kind it could be
if you´re not next to me
So close your eyes and try to hide
I´ll find you anyhow in time
Staring the ground, kickin´ the leaves
Somebody´s losing this hide and seek

Show me your sign, stomp the ground
I hear your black boots making a sound
You´ve stopped the car to think things over
but what good has thinking ever done to you?
You want things to change and I´m so afraid
that I could help you to play the game again
But I´m not too good on winning,
my game is to lose

Wait just a moment, don´t open your eyes
What if I asked you to look behind?
I´d be glad to stand just there but
this game has made us a little blind
So after a long wait and a cold night
I hope you´ll take a U-turn
and head back to the city lights

I really wasn´t there
You really drove all night
It´s just that the way we´re clearing our minds
doesn´t seem so right
I´d rather lose a moment with you
than see you losing your life
It´s just the way reality bites

Falling to Faded

What did you have in mind
when you drew the line
that this is your side and this is mine
Falling to pieces is such a crime

I wish to grab your hand once more
and breath in your warmth
All I want is to be adored
and I hate to be left ingored

You are my secret I cant get on paper
I know I promised but it won´t get better
You can blow when it hurts
but the pain will come back later

You need to be somebody else
and I need to change my soul
There´s something that cannot be fixed
Maybe the joke just got old
You are too beautiful for me to get bold

keskiviikko 30. heinäkuuta 2014

Close My Eyes to See

I want to wake up with you
in the middle of the night
and look to each other
dive into the eyes
Electric blue
and Shangri-La
I was made for loving you
We were made to be the Stars

I´ll count you and read you through
If you want me you´ll do it too
I can kiss your pain away
if you can kiss me to smile again
And I´ll absorb your life lust through your skin
I love you and I will never give in

´Cause I live for your rain
I love when you drain all over me
When your pain comes a part of me
and when I dissolve into your cells
and can be called a part of you

And the heat becomes a lake
and a need to gasp some air
I feel like I´m drowning
in a most beautiful way
The salt of your skin may save me
when I gasp the life in you

I want to wake up with you
as I want to lay down to bed
Touch your skin and neck
Kiss your arm instead
I want to get close to you
Feel your heart pound on me
Close my eyes to see
You´re the one for me

tiistai 17. kesäkuuta 2014

A Suddle Lean towards Day Dreams

As the evening reaches the medianoche
and the car is reaching it's destination
some heads are colliding to each other
and some thoughts are put on another
What if
What if tonight is meant to get together
Arm on a shoulder
that´s goosefleshed altogether
Bleary gaze to somewhere unknown
that´s maybe known by your name

What if
the night could be stopped right here?
On that leather car seat
Thighs are getting itty bitty sticky
because of all the heat
Maybe the skirt was a little too short,
maybe he´s reading it as a lead
Heart might just skip a beat
or two because of all the need
But who needs heart beats
when there´s other means

Turning the music a little louder
Skinny dipping in the lake
Taking a walk and wait to get followed
but being afraid the night gets hollow
And when the night reaches tomorrow
There would be moments to borrow
to another nights dreams
and close to the first sun beam

Winced as they´d wake up from a day dream
they ´re still riding to get there
Nobody knows what their looks might mean
They might be a bit blind themselves
But if he makes a suddle lean
and if she closes it as a deal
Maybe nothing could be concealed
as what it comes to what they feel
What if
What if that´s all they need?

maanantai 9. kesäkuuta 2014

The Spirit Wanders Through the Kiss

He touches her slowly
like he´s imagined it many times before
he slides his palm along her skin
that´s already kissed by the noon
She´s going to deny him soon
Forbid him to make any dreams come true
She closes her eyes and touches his hand,
she must stay strong for the sake of this man
She leans on to the cold glass door
and glides her fingers on the rough wall

She says
"Maybe in a different time
if the streets were wet enough
if the Music would never stop
I would make you mine
If I could drink you up,
drink you up ´til the last-ditch drop
I would turn days from these nights"

He looks away from her
like he never thought he had to
His core feels like it´s burning
so he decides to look at her
Who is he to that girl?
What if he doesn´t want to learn?
His eyes look demanding though dolorous,
she´s trying to figure out the colours
Her hand is rising to touch him like magic
but the real magic happens through the kiss

He says
"I´ve had this desire running through my veins
You´re a song I can´t get out of my head,
an un-beatable gambling bet
Lust for something has turned into pain
because of something that I can´t get
You´ve known the words I haven´t said
Maybe that spell has confounded my brain"

Oh, see, the spell seems to be broken
The seal of plenty of moments so token
He looks at her and she knows what´s hurting
´cause of his eyes that seem not to be burning
She knows those nights have come to an end
as he waves his hand and drains behind the corner
He felt like last moments of summer,
tasted like a dewy meadow
And the magic that once was is now all over

She says
"If I close my eyes now
please appear in front of me
Kiss the magic back to me
and call for me out loud
Before you touched me I was free
I didn´t have this ache and need
Maybe you passed your spirit on me
by setting your dewy lips on my mouth"

sunnuntai 8. kesäkuuta 2014


You said you like them blonde and bad
a little read headed, a little sad
You like them if they like you playing in a band
Little fan girls trying to grab your hand
But you live for the messy hair mistress
so you can´t see forest from the trees
She´s like a cup of coffee in a morning distress
and you can´t touch any of your other dreams
So you swing into the music and think it´s good to hide there
and you think of dreaming of something else
But something holds you back
Maybe it´s better to lay down and watch the waves instead

She has loved you since she can remember
You have really tied her around your little finger
but maybe you just haven´t noticed that
She might have taken you for granted in fact
but she loves you
and you must love her
There can´t be any other good reason for you to keep it up with her
´Cause sometimes she´s a mojo killer, you say
with a loving smile on your face
My sad conclusion is that you must really love her
in better and in worse
until the end of your days

tiistai 20. toukokuuta 2014

Echo Builder

I caught myself fooling to
be a fool for you
You caught yourself a real catch
and turned the page 2

Oh, there´s so much to see
and roll between the fingers
and to roll your eyes for
Warm city nights
with never ending lights
Eyes to dive into and adore

Remember what it felt like?
To gasp air because of someone,
heart to jump over one beat
Wait for the surreptitious touch,
warm skin next to another and
to crack up to someones feet

Me neither

´Cause I live for the warm waters
and watch the newborn lovers
Listening to the cars purr,
thinking about mothers and fathers,
wondering wherever my god is
I feel like my heaven is this
Since 1986
echoes built me up like this

Oh, there´s so much to dream of
and so many ways to touch
and time to slide through
The sound of an engine
and the smell of gasoline
Is there anything that´s more true?

Endless possibilities to fall in love,
for holding hands
to roll in the soft sand
To laugh eyes closed
but mouth wide open
to have a taste of a salty man

I don´t think so

´Cause I live for the warm waters
and watch the newborn lovers
Listening to the cars purr,
thinking about mothers and fathers,
wondering wherever my god is
I feel like my heaven is this
Since 1986
echoes built me up like this

I caught myself fooling to
be a fool for you
You caught yourself a real catch
and turned the page 2
When the sun in the sky shines real bright
I don´t even seem to notice you

I´m just kidding though

´Cause I live for the warm waters
salty skins and messed up hair
Freedom and messed up dreams
Since 1986
echoes built me up like this
Summer´s in me ´til the autumn leaves

Front Seat View, Back Seat Love

I like the thing that you gave me
even if I don´t know what it really is
I like the way you make me feel
even if my lied up words turn out to be bliss

I hate it when you know you´re looking good
it makes me feel I got no control over myself
I feel like you know exactly what I´m hiding
maybe you´ll find it out before myself

You have your black leather jacket on
and your white cotton tee
While you´re kicking small rocks on the ground
I´m looking at your feet
I´d say your eyes are looking divine
but my tongue´s just rubbing my teeth
I´d like to throw a line or two
if I could take my eyes off from your cowboy boots
You haul your hair like you´re up for a fight
Looking good and lonely really seems to suit you

I have the thing that you gave me
as my secret for all to see
I can´t say what it symbols for
or does it really mean anything to me

My mind works funny like that ´cause
there can be moments dedicated to you
but a fast forward and a fast rewind
can make me dazy, hazy, blurred out
and wave away from you

You have the front seat view to the world in your car
you might tell a little too much whilst you glare
While you´re watching you start to feel like tar
and I can´t make a break from your stare
Maybe you´d like me to take a dip into your world
back seat love or the passengers side
I don´t know if you believe every word
and I don´t know anymore have I lied
You bite your thumb nail like you´ve given in
and that´s exactly what makes me want you to win

I like how those nights turn out to be
urban legends of languor and ardour
and how the bright mornings seals the deal
and there´s no need to wait for any longer

I feel like we´re playing with fire
raising false hopes to grow into daydreams
So we need to thrash through the mire
so we could see what this really is

But I like the feeling you gave me
I´ll treasure it deep and safe
So when the cold tries to hold me
I got the warm heart beats, heat and need
to be crawling back to you

sunnuntai 4. toukokuuta 2014

Costa Rica or Anywhere Else

I got a race in my heart
and my soul yearns for more,
like it beats only twice a week
but it needs so much more
There´s always something I´m waiting for

I want to win these games I already hate
I never tell anyone but I´ve cheated all the way
I´m saying I got it when I´ve already lost
but the trick is in the eyes
and licking lips is the cost

Costa Rica or anywhere else
french kisses on the shores of Nice
I´d like to think I got the streets inside,
sidewalks that I already miss
dreaming doesn´t mean I´ve lied

My stupid heart cheers for my mind,
it encourages it to run, wint the time
"get faster so you´ll win the round
or if you won´t, then why try"
Just hand over the price

We were never meant to be
neither to play hide and seek
In the ancient Greece,
play time for 5,4 or 3
Us two, we just dont fit that well
ain´t it easy to see?

Buenos Aires, London bridge
Cities of gods or just for angels
The hot & hard blow of an airport wind
I just want to breathe in, breathe in
and then out, and again in

Make love with the warm shore and sand
Kiss with the skies that never end, never began
We can try to figure it out but
I can´t promise you the promised land
Let´s start as you as my mirror
and me as your map in your hands

If I let go, you got to promise to catch me
Though I´d stay quiet I got the race inside of me
I could run for miles if I decided to do so
but being free doesn´t need to mean letting go
Swim, dive, drown, don´t fool me

Feel me
So let´s just stay this way
Gasp air just like you reached the surface,
like you´ve let go of the heavy harness
Time as my lover and space as your mistress
Feel the Earth lose our distress

So let´s go
Costa Rica or anywhere else
french kisses on the shores of Nice
I´d like to think I got the streets inside,
sidewalks that I already miss
dreaming doesn´t mean I´ve lied


Why does it feel so good?
To be remembered as somebody else
and listen to those worn up lines in my worn up speaker phones
The closer the music comes
the closer I feel to you
And that is the smallest moment
and closest to the one
when I fell in love with you

When did a moment turn up to be
a lot more important than a whole life time
I´m trying to catch a butterfly
that I´ve only read about in colouring books
Don´t you just love them
and love to leave them behind
when it´s time to play outside

It´s been my turn to play for such a long time
and now I don´t have a sign that says
"Go that way, you´ll do just fine"
So now I´m trying to figure out my own way
and I don´t know which one I´m more scared of
Is it the wrong way or is it that I´ll find my way out
Maybe I just like to be lost

I hate using that simple word that tells a bit too much
and just in case I might change my mind I ain´t doing such
I´m doing just fine watching the trains go by
thinking being alone might clear my mind
Staying still doesn´t stop the time, though,
so I should keep myself in motion to keep myself alive

Timetables are keeping me safe as they tie me down
but I´ll promise you, I would leave and gas up
if I knew I could just hide and never be found
As if that would be a game that could be played
an option of a thousand mistakes
How can a cruel joke soul have a soulmate?

Lately I´ve been forcing myself to face all the beauty
To look out for the beautiful, the meaningful and fullfilling
and I´m trying to hang in there, hang in here,
wherever I need to be seen hanging
and I can´t help but thinking
Was this ever really meant for me?

My friend is a beautiful soul but I have lost the way
to laugh inside and leave the troubles behind
to build a mellow forest inside
veil everything unnecessary with a green crown
There was a time when nothing could burn that down

Maybe there are embers still, somewhere deep inside
Something new trying to find it´s way to the sunlight
If I really try, maybe I´ll find that butterfly
and colour it with something new and really bright
Maybe if I´d really try, I could make it fly

When did it feel so good?
To feel alive and live
To kiss your neck, feel your need
and let myself weep and still be free
I don´t know who I am or need to be
But someday I´ll have the will
and already I´ve got two feet

torstai 1. toukokuuta 2014


Her leg´s right beside his
she wonders if he noticed it
He felt it there all good, alright
but nothing´s mentioned about it

The dusk is turning into a dawn
They just arrived but they need to be gone
Somebody´s singing and somebody´s dancing
without knowing what the words have spawn

She´s checking every step,
watching every touch and sip
She´s pretending all the way
wondering if she´ll get any of it

"I saw you watching from afar
I´ll deny it, I´ll never ask and I´m never going to tell
You must be so afraid
You got to be so scared
but your secrets are safe with me
I´ll deny your eyes on me
I´ll swallow your lies for free
and sleep your dreams into me"

He´s nodding his head in the rhytm of the songs
and patting his fingers on the wooden board
He´s playing it cool and thinks he´s well hid
but there´s others playing it just as hard

There´s short dresses and lacy skirts
and handsome fellas and lazy flirts
He´s not trying to blend in at all
He´s giving a lot more than they were asking for

"I don´t know am I cruel or true
and I don´t know is it me or you
but my heart is racing in a rushing pace
and I don´t know are these words lies or waste
My time is limited except at nights
I like it easy without any fights
so let´s ease it up, rely on me
Your secrets are just as safe with me"

The music´s starting to be over
and somebody´s asking another to come over
It might be the hardest mistake to be done
but they know not to cross any boarders

It´s a cold night to be lonely
It would be golden to be somebody's only
but now that the lies seem to be true
dreams are going to be killed slowly

"We walk the same slow pace
to get our heads in shape
You must be thinking I´m an easy girl
though I´m just playing this easy game
I´ll bet she´d had her say
so it´s easier to walk away
How did I get here from having nothing
to bite my tongue to stay safe"

In a moment they are stray cats on their own
Alley´s all they got when they´re left all alone
Thoughts through their messy heads are thrown
but as they know
sleep is the best cure for the dreamy moan

sunnuntai 13. huhtikuuta 2014

The Beat Between

Follow me home
Catch me in the dark
You should let me go
before you get bitten and barked
You are my truth
My mirror and my bed
You are mine for good
Though we´d never again met

You are mine
You belong in to my head
Your touch, your lips, your kisses on her neck
You are mine
but you don´t need to know that yet

Dance with me
Catch the tears through the rain
Feel my need
to drive myself insane
You are my truth
A room I can let myself in
You are mine for good
though you´d not let me win

I see you smile
I wonder if it´s for me to see
Your skin, your hair, your teeth
You belong to me
and your body is my feast

Wait your turn
You will get me soon
Wait and burn
when did pain and hurt ever feel this good
You are my truth
Doesn´t it ache when you need more?
You are mine for good
What kind of delight makes one so sore?

You are mine
You belong in to my head
Your ache, your burn, your smart in your body and heart
They belong to me
but this pulsating pain keeps us apart

lauantai 5. huhtikuuta 2014

Drink up

It´s a half past four
and I don´t know what I´m waiting for
I got my mind in my hands
I got my own truth in my lies
I need more money than I need wine
but if it´s a bargain I can´t afford to cry
and you know me
I´m ready for a good time
I´d like to know you
a lot more than meets the eye
You´ll get me for a very cheap price
All I need is a couple of bucks and
you´ll have a couple of my time
Fair to say, you need to look out for me tonight
I could easily move on to some other's spotlight
and if it´s needed I´d be up for a cat fight
Anyhow, I´ll promise to keep up all night
You don´t even need to carry me home
I´ll carry myself just fine
And you don´t need to marry me either
´cause I´m all merry alright
Actually you don´t even need to stay with me
if you want to go home, that´s fine
And in the cab ride home you could just text
me that "thanks for the fun night"
I´ll read it over and over and wonder was it right
to stay up all night
drink up all your wine
lose myself in time
stand up for myself in line
Because I easily could´ve just
stayed at home and lie
I didn´t even need you or your time

tiistai 25. maaliskuuta 2014


Minulla on tapana unohtaa muiden olemassaolo. Tarkoitan, että näen kyllä ympärilleni, noin niin kuin pinnallisesti. Mutta unohdan muiden olevan oikeita ihmisiä - historioineen, koti-ikävineen, matkoineen ja tulevaisuuksineen. Kukaan ei tiedä tulevasta, luulee ehkä tietävänsä, mutta lopulta on aivan yhtä tietämätön kuin minäkin.

Aamuisin saatan nähdä tuttuja selkiä, selkämyksiä. Kuluneita takkeja, avainnippuja farkkujen takataskuissa, iltapäivälehtiä aamukahveja varten ja rekka-autojen piippauksia, niitä minä näen, ja kuvittelen sekuntien ajan tietäväni jotakin heidän elämistään. Sitten unohdan heidät, aivan kuin heitä ei olisi koskaan ollut olemassakaan. Korkeintaan mielikuvituksessani, joissakin mahdollisesti kuvitelluissa muistoissani, annan heidän elää hetken elämäänsä eteenpäin.

Kuvittelen eräänkin miehen olevan opiskelija, joka etsii tai on ehkä juuri löytänyt kutsumuksensa. Joinakin aamuina meillä on aivan samat aikataulut, ja hän astuu kanssani samaan bussiin. Hän istahtaa istumaan parin istuinrivistön päähän itsestäni. Katselen hänen hiuksiaan ja nahkatakkiaan. Mietin, onko hän aina ajoissa vai juuri noina aamuina myöhässä sieltä, minne sitten onkaan menossa. Oli itse asiassa pitkä aika kunnes näin hänen kasvonsa. Olin kuvitellut ne aivan toisenlaisiksi, mutta en kai voi sanoa pettyneeni. Enhän? En kai voi sanoa pettyneeni siksi, etteivät hänen kasvonsa vastanneetkaan odotuksiani? Viime aikoina olen nähnyt häntä enimmäkseen paluumatkoilla. Edelleen meillä taitaa olla samanlaiset aikataulut, ainakin joinakin päivinä. Hän astelee kohti kotikatuani, mutta paljon reippaammin askelin kuin itse. Joskus yritän pysyä hänen tennariensa vauhdissa, mutta taidan joka kerta epäonnistua. En tiedä minne hän katoaa, mutta melko varma olen siitä, että tulen näkemään hänen selkämyksensä vielä.

Toinen, eräs hieman vanhempi, herrasmies kulkee useina aamuina samalla kadulla. Hänkin kulkee edessäni, mutta usein toisella puolen samaista katua. Hänenkin askeleensa ovat reippaat ja määrätietoiset. Hänen olemuksensa kertoo minulle, että hän on tehnyt niitä samaisia hommia jo pitkään, mitä ne ikinä ovatkaan. Hän pitää kahvitaukonsa aamuisin jo ennen kahdeksaa, kesäisin hän kävelee kai alas Laukontorille ja nauttii aamiaisensa siellä. Ihmisten on pakko luottaa häneen, sillä hänen paksu avainnippunsa kertoo, että jossakin on oltava myös monia lukkoja. Kuvittelen hänen pitävän rock ´n rollista, ihan vain hänen hiustyylinsä ja vaatetuksensa perusteella. Hän on elänyt parikymppisyytensä, mahdollisesti kolmikymppisyyteensä saakka, 1990-luvun alkupuolella. Hän on varmaankin tosi mukava ihminen ja hänenlaisellaan ihmisellä on oltava paljon kavereita. Hän tekee työnsä hyvin ja säntillisesti. Ehkä hän kertoo kavereilleen usein juttuja siitä, kuinka hän on ollut sen ja sen bändin roudarina. Ehkä Motörheadin tai Aerosmithin Suomen keikoilla, ehkä jopa Ruotsin puolella, koska bändin pojat tykkäsivät hänestä niin.

Ennen kuin pääsen aamubussiini, edes sen näköetäisyydelle, astun torin kulmaukseen jonka toiselta puolelta lähes poikkeuksetta pölähtää vastaan lauma nuoria opiskelijoita. Heidän etunenässään saattaa olla pari bisnesnaista, joiden kuvittelen olevan töissä läheisessä kauppakeskuksessa tai sitten merkittävässä asemassa läheisellä psykiatrisella klinikalla. Jokainen heistä kuitenkin unohtuu, enkä enää parin sekunnin kuluttua muista edes heidän kasvojaan. Ehkä parit leopardilegginssit, ehkä pari kamelinväristä villakangastakkia.

Joskus Keskustori on jo aamuvarhaisella suosittu kohtaamispaikka, useimmiten kuitenkin sellaiselle väelle, jolla vain ei ole mitään muuta paikkaa, minne mennä. En muista heidän kasvojaan, ja kai se sitten tarkoittaa, että he ovat minulle yhdentekeviä. Mietin kuitenkin miten he ovat joutuneet sinne, siinä tilassa? Miksi heillä ei ole muuta paikkaa? Miksi he haluavat myydä, ostaa tai lahjoittaa jotakin laitonta jo siinä vaiheessa aamua? Miksi he ovat jo juoneet itsensä humalaan, tai miksi he jo nyt odottavat kellon lyövän yhdeksän kertaa, jotta voisivat ostaa ensimmäisen lonkeronsa tai oluensa? Ketkä ovat heidän todellisia ystäviään tai onko heillä sellaisia ollutkaan? Miksi he luulevat elämiensä olevan niin merkityksettömiä, että eivät usko huomisen olevan kuitenkaan sen parempi? Ovatko he pyytäneet apua, tai voisinko minä auttaa heitä? Samalla ajattelen, että oma vikasi, miksi pilasit kaiken. Miksi teit vääriä valintoa, mikset nostanut itseäsi suosta. Mikset ottanut apua vastaan kun sitä tarjottiin? Enkä varmasti anna euroa siihen kaljaan, en varmasti!

Bussiin saattaa jonottaa muitakin, mutta yleensä en edes katso ympärilleni. Olen jotenkin aina pelännyt katseita, johtuen ehkä siitä, että olen aiemmin pelännyt, etten näe ympärilleni tarpeeksi hyvin enkä halua tuijottaa. No, sehän ei ole totta, ainakaan enää. Minä tuijotan kyllä, mutta yritän tehdä sen salassa. Aamujen bussijonoissa olen kuitenkin hiljaa, kasvoton, hajuton, täysin läpinäkyvä ja ehkä jopa näkymätön. Toivon joskus olevani sitä muille, aivan kuin hekin ovat sitä minulle.

Bussikuskia pyrin tervehtimään aina, yritän jopa puristaa jonkun hymyntapaisen. Otan kovin henkilökohtaisesti sen, jos bussikuski ei tervehdi minua. Jos bussi sattuisi lähtemään juuri nenäni edestä, en juoksisi sen perään ja koputtelisi ikkunaan. En tekisi niin, koska siinä kohtaa haluan olla vielä näkymätön. Mieluummin juoksen seuraavalle pysäkille, ja hyvällä lykyllä ja liikennevalojen hitaalla vaihtumisella, pääsen sisään samaiseen bussiin. Mietin, huomasivatko muut minun olevan se samainen ihminen. Katseliko joku minua ikkunasta kuten minä olisin tehnyt? Olivatko he ylpeitä saavutuksestai?
Katselen bussissa joskus ympärilleni ja mietin kanssamatkustajieni tarinoita. Joku kantaa foliolla peitettyä tarjotinta mukanaan. Ajattelen hänen olevan työssä Invalidiliitolla, vaikka mikään yksityiskohta ei teoriaani tuekaan. Ehkä olen nähnyt hänen aikaisemmin jäävän Invalidiliiton jonkin asuinyksikön bussipysäkillä pois. Nyt hän kantaa itse leivottua piirakkaa työpaikalleen. Ehkä on hänen syntymäpäivänsä tai läksiäisensä. Ajattelen hänen näyttävän aavistuksen vihaiselta. Miksi hän on vihainen syntymäpäivänään?

Bussikuski saattaa olla kuka tahansa. Joillakin on enemmän kiire kuin toisilla. Mietin, onko hänen lapsensa sairaana. Onko hänen vuoronsa vasta alkanut vai jo lopuillaan? Onko hän joutunut jäämään ylitöihin työkaverin sairastuttua? Bussikuski saattoi hakea juuri ennen lähtöä pikaisesti kupin kahvia, a cup to go. Väsyttääkö häntä aina noin? Joskus bussikuski on ajatuksissaan eikä huomaa ulos haluavaa asiakasta. Matkaaja huikkaa bussikuskille, joka havahtuu ajatuksistaan. Mietin, miten kukaan voi olla uppoutumatta ajatuksiinsa kun ajaa autoa. Minusta ei tulisi kovin hyvää kuskia. Bussikuskit ovat yleensä melko hyviä kuskeja. Mietin, miten he ovat päätyneet alalle. Missä he ovat käyneet autokoulunsa? Joku saattaa olla kuskina vain puolisen vuotta ja sitten näen häntä toisissa yhteyksissä. Eikö linja-autonkuljettajana ollutkaan mukavaa? Halusitko sittenkin tehdä jotakin muuta?

Katselen ikkunasta bussipysäkillä värjötteleviä ihmisiä. Kohta he pääsevät vastaan tulevan auton kyytiin, odottakaahan vielä hetki. Ihmiset ovat lähes aina kaukana toisistaan, ja tiedänhän minä henkilökohtaisen reviirin. Tekisin aivan samoin, mielessäni ei kävisikään mennä aivan jonkun toisen, tuntemattoman henkilön, viereen ilman hyvää syytä. Joku puhuu matkapuhelimeensa, joku näpyttää sitä. Joku taitaa vain vilkaista kellonaikaa siitä. Mietin kenen kanssa tuo nainen puhuu puhelimeen? Onko hänellä ikävä miestään, tai soittaako hänen lapsensa hänelle, että on sairastunut eikä pääse kouluun? Onko tuo mies myöhässä töistä, tai työhaastattelusta? Minne tuo mies työntää lastenvaunuja näin aikaisin aamulla? Ehkä he ovat vain kävelyllä, mutta miksi he ovat sitten astumassa bussiin? Tampereella voi matkustaa ilmaiseksi bussilla, jos mukana on noin pieni lapsi. Ehkä hänen oli vain mentävä hoitamaan joitakin asioita keskustaan. Jollakin tytöllä on ohuet housut ja paksu takki, joku poika polttaa tupakkaa. Miksi he ovat tehneet näitä valintoja?

Bussista astuu alas nuori mies, joka kulkee samaisella bussilla joka ikinen aamu. Ainakin luulen niin. Kyseinen bussivuoro on melko aikainen. Mies nousee bussiin ja sieltä pois aina samaan aikaan, ja samoilla pysäkeillä. Hänen hiustyylinsä on pysynyt koko ajan samanlaisena, ja kiinnitän siihen huomiota, koska se muistuttaa minua 2000-luvun alkupuolesta. Asuuko hän yksin? Eikö hän ole tavannut ketään, koska hänellä on tuo hiustyyli. Mies on muuten tyylikäs, mutta vaikuttaa jotenkin yksinäiseltä. Hän on varmasti ahkera ja pidetty työkaveri. En ole vielä keksinyt missä hän työskentelee. Hän jää pois aina sellaisen grillin lähellä, mutta en usko hänenlaisensa miehen työskentelevän siellä. Hän ei tuoksu ollenkaan edes rasvalle, eikä varmasti haluaisikaan. Hän muistuttaa minua vuosien takaisesta tutustani. Toivottavasti hän ei ole onneton.

Haen kaupasta jääkahvin, omenan ja energiajuoman. Vaikka juonkin energiajuoman vasta iltapäivällä, mietin, mitä kauppias minusta oikein ajattelee. Melkein joka aamu hän on samassa vuorossa ja varmaankin alkaa jo muistaa minut. Pyöritteleekö hän silmiään kun näkee minun taas saapuvan? Että voi, ei, taas tuo epäterveellisesti elävä energiajuomatyttö. Pitääkö hän minua edes enää tyttönä? Olenko jo nainen, täti kenties? En kai täti sentään, paitsi ruuhkabussien äideille tai muille tädeille.

Katselen ihmisiä. Mietin heidän tarinoitaan, mutta en liian kauaa. He saattavat tulla mieleeni joskus, tarinoineen kaikkineen, mutta en muista heitä. En ainakaan sitä, että he ovat ihmisiä. Mitä kauppiaan äiti ajatteli, kun hänen lapsensa päätti alkaa kauppiaaksi. Oliko hän onnellinen, että lapsi sai töitä? Vai oliko hän pettynyt, että lapsi ei lähtenytkään lääketieteelliselle uralle kuten hän itse. Oliko kauppiaalla äitiä ollut enää vuosiin? Joutuiko hän hoitamaan äitiään vuosia kunnes tämä kuoli pois? Oliko äiti vanhainkodissa nyt, kohdellaanko häntä siellä hyvin? Pääseekö hän vessaan tarpeeksi usein, vai onko kauppias joutunut kirjoittamaan asiasta jo useamman valituksen? Mitä kauppiaan isälle kuuluu? Ehkä isä oli ollut sodassa ja jäänyt sille tielle, ei koskaan palannut rintamalta. Tai ehkä isällä menestynyt yritys, jonka johtoon hän olisi toivonut lapsestaan jatkajaa.

Kun muistamani ihminen tulee minua vastaan, mietin muistaako hän minua. Tiedän, että tuskin. Ehkä olen ollut juuri silloin näkymätön hänelle, tai hän on ajatellut olevansa itse näkymätön, mutta epäonnistunut yrityksessään. Haluaisin, että minut muistettaisiin paremmin. Haluaisin jäädä mieliin, mutta toisaalta taas luotan siihen, että niin ei tapahdu. Näkymättömänä on ihan mukavaa, vaivatonta ja helppoa.

Oikeastaan yllätyn, jos joku ei ole pitänyt minua näkymättömänä. Mutta toisaalta, hän on saattanut olla juuri sillä hetkellä tarkkailijan ominaisuudessa kun on nähnyt minut.

Hän on saattanut katsella minua bussin ikkunasta, tai nähnyt minut kun olen pyöräillyt ja kironnut kanssaeläjiäni, jotka eivät ole huomanneet olemassaoloani. Hän on ehkä jo kuvitellut minulle elämän, ehkä jopa sellaisen johon olisin tyytyväinen. Olen ehkä varakkaampi kuin miltä näytän, koska näytän välillä olevan kiireessä. Ehkä olen myöhässä kiireellisistä tapaamisista, koska en ole edellisenä yönä saanut nukuttua edellispäivän pitkäksi venähtäneen tapaamisen takia. Tai sitten olen hänen mielestään surullinen, ehkä äkäinenkin, ehkä tupakoin salaa. Ehkä olen myöhässä koulusta, jonka olen juuri aloittanut. En ole herännyt tarpeeksi ajoissa, koska minulla ei ole vielä kavereita jotka muistuttaisivat minua aikaisista luennoista. Ehkä hän ei ole vielä saanut selville millainen olen. Ehkä se on sitä, mitä toivon. Toivottavasti en ole onneton.

Toivottavasti en ole onneton.

maanantai 17. maaliskuuta 2014

The Years Should´ve Made Me Smarter

They have forgotten us,
we have become too old
When did they turn so cold,
or when did they let us go?

I´ve grown some wrinkles
because of all the frowning
He didn´t say anything in a while and
lately he´s felt like he´s drowning

Is it us?
We have been too good to be true
and they found it out
Maybe it´s true about me and you
We got our time to rule,
fool, play it cruel
But the time is the one's muse
We´ve lost our youth

They have given up on us,
we didn´t stay a step ahead
We lost the run and the bet,
we let our selves grow

I get these head aches when I frown
and it feels like I´ve lost my smile
Nobody surprises me with a white lie
that makes me want to fly

Was it us?
Were we the easy way to get lost
when they didn´t want to be found?
The joke must´ve been on us
though we thought we ruled the crown
Now we hide and want to be hidden
´cause nobody misses the clown

They have forgotten us
Why did they let us go?
We had them on the palms of our hands
now we have nothing to show

We try to convince everybody
that we chose to let them leave
The defeat is less painful
than to keep the memories

It was us
We lost the game from the start
by not keeping the promise
of the eternal youth,
the golden truth started to fall apart
We are only human
and that´s not enough for gods

sunnuntai 2. maaliskuuta 2014

Otto is the Name

You look so pretty in your 1960's suit
and your narrow tie
and you look so sweet in your silver belt buckle
twisted around your twisted figure

Your name is Otto and you like to get them high
You drive them crazy without figuring out why
You look like you´ve got them without touching them once
You don´t hunt them down, you just lie

You lie around like a sticky fly paper
You close their eyes with a promise of a little later
You must be a master of disguise
and sweet lies are meant to attract the flies

You don´t need to do anything more
Just stare a little and blow out the smoke
After all you´re just an average bloke,
You got them thinking the bad in you is all the coke
Before they know it,
they choke
they rattle and they flounder
one thought through their minds
nobody´s gonna find her

They´re choked by an average bloke
Sliced through the throat
Otto is the name
He´s a serial killer kind of Unknown

Sand in to the Eyes

Hands on the wheel and you´re rubbing my neck and you´re kissing my skin and we´re having such a good time
Wind in the hair and your rough arm on my bare shoulder that´s quite near you and you sing something like

To do-dooo-doo, do-dooo-doo, tooo

I like you so much and your touch is too much and you sing like it hurts so you kiss my skin once more
And the air is full of sand and it blows right in and it makes me cry when I try to look the other way

You understand what´s wrong but you know you can´t say it out loud in case of breaking something with your mouth
You knew it all along but you hate to be alone and I hate it just as much in days like these and in need of touch

I hold my hand outside just like it´s been denied when I was a child and some branches could´ve killed me
I never believed the warnings and I bet you didn´t either and now we´re here ready to learn the lesson

Your hand reaches mine and I bet your mind reaches mine at the same time so I dare to turn my head once more
Even just a glance would´ve been enough to give me the chance to make up my mind

You drink up your sugary soda and offer some to me and as much as I planned to refuse I take some ´cause it´s free
I look at you like I´ve never looked before and that´s it right there you hit the brakes and decide to want some more

To do-dooo-doo, do-dooo-doo, tooo

sunnuntai 9. helmikuuta 2014

Denver, part one

Denver is a girl I´d like to be like
she´s a girl that makes the boys sigh
She takes what she wants just
like she takes her clothes off
Just by nodding her head she gets them off
The boys may think they got her
but she´s got them by the balls
Denver moves her hips and bites her lower lip
She looks down to the tips of her shoes
and whips her hair when she looks at you
The moment is over so fast it got you thinking
was it really you who she chose
But when she comes as close as she does
and accidentally touches your arm
it got you thinking what it really was
but you don´t have the time to ask
´cause she´s already doing that same old trick to
someone else
That poor bastard
Stares at her whipping her hair
and you, looking at him, you fool
He nods his head to the music
pretending to listen what his pals have to say
He´s biting his lower lip
as he´s watching her move her hips
He raffles should he make a move
looks at the tips of his leather shoes
Makes a move
Too late, ´cause she´s looking at you
You have that smile that you´ve won
She sees that too, you´re not the only one
She dances really close, moves her head
You look at the poor bastard behind her
taking a step back
He´s rubbing his neck and gulps down his beer
You rub your teeth with your tongue
pretending to listen the mumble
You look at Denver and you promise to say something
You stumble, you know it,
your words start to crumble
You look down to the tips of your shoes and
that´s about it

perjantai 3. tammikuuta 2014

Just the Right Colour

The sky is red as her lips when she sips her white wine
she tries to understand what adult life is like
It´s hard to think because of the excitement of tonight
She got promises that she wants to tattoo around her skin,
little pearls and beans to take forever within
the words that could light up everything

The ground is green to welcome the new start
last time everything started to fall apart
Landing on two feet is not all that´s needed
when she´s looking for things that the time can´t buy
She´s lost much more than she reveals
but there´s something else she hangs on by

She opens her eyes wide when he walks on by
or closes them softly to hide her try
She wants everything so much and at the same time
but giving up or giving in are just not right
She talks like the words are meant as jokes
but hopes he reads between the lines

She thinks to herself: I got this need for you to like me
It burns inside and sometimes I can´t sleep
You must have the words to heal me
or the right look to move me
“I´ve been hanging around just in case,
you will fall in love with me”

And sometimes when she dreams she dreams too much
and the mornings wake her up in so many ways
Though she feels so garbled and tangled
there is one thought she cannot leave behind
The car rides that never really happened
The eyes that never really gave her nothing to find

She takes a sip of her wine and a tear drops in
Just like it never really ran, it just blends right in
It must´ve twirled and spinned right to the bottom
so she leaves just a drop she doesn´t want to drink
Now she acts like she´s forgotten
when they head downtown and get in

And after couple of moments she really doesn´t feel
like she´s missed a lot of time
When every touch she gets feels like the first time
and when she hurries to tell the others
there´s still something more going on
This can´t be it, but can she move on

She knows everything´s left unfinished
if she´d take the step too far
And dreams are just dreams as she´s known all along
so she plans to forget she ever dreamt at all
He must have different kinds of dreams after all
and if they´re nightmares it´s not her name to call

At home it´s easy to feel whatever´s left to feel
But the glass of white wine just mocks her and she
doesn´t really care about the red lipstick stains
Things will fade if they cannot stay
She stares the drop in the bottom of the glass
after all it´s just white wine at last

The salty wine tickles her throat
as she closes her eyes
Tonight dreams will make her moan
or scream because of the elated times
In any case she´s made up her mind
She won´t return from this car ride

(c) Sandi

torstai 2. tammikuuta 2014

Branches and leaves

I like branches and leaves, twigs and creeks, lakes wide open,
cold autumn breeze
I´m from a gorge so deep, forests inside of me,
I´m like moss and stones, swing and toss,
that´s needed to get rid of me
But then again, I´ll get cold at nights,
frosty girl, fucked up mind
Run like hell, hide under the purple sky,
am I sick or do I just lie,
don´t correct me if I´m right,
my lies would be liked
I´m a good friend if you take care of my roots,
love me with my truths, cover up my crust when it cries
So hold me tight, lay beside, sweat and freeze,
breathe deep beneath me, pant and sigh,
whisper like the wind in the gray bay
and you got me for a lifetime

(c) Sandi